I just know for sure that I am not okay right now. Was crying moments ago. Probably because the hormon or something else. Or both.
Physically Iam tired, to be honest.
It was a long day.
Was cycling to school this morning in order to lose some extra kilos. I dont think I made it since my diet is horrible. I ate bakso this afternoon and some gorengan this morning.
Probably diet is one of the causes of the stress. You know, "you are what you eat."
I ate bakso, does it mean Iam bakso? 😅. Could be.
Anyways...
My baby bro didn't come home for almost two weeks. Mom often asked about him. I know his work place is far from our home and it is quite impossible for him to commute everyday. So he decided to rent a room close by his work place.
But the problem is, few days before, I over heard dad talked with him on the phone. I didn't catch what dad said but judging from his tone, I knew exactly what was happening.
Two days after, I texted him askinf whether he was okay. He said yes.
Without missing a beat, I confronted him about what dad said to him.
My guessing was right.
I was crying knowing what he was facing. I know exactly what he felt. Been there.
Told my bro that thought the treatment was over but I was wrong.
All I could do was telling him to do what he got to do as long it pleases Allah and he enjoys it.
You know, Allah is the most important thing in this life.
Im not pious person - farrrrr from it - but will try to remind myself to do things that He pleases.
Next one.
I passed an exam, alhamdulillah.
I was working on the documents to be sent out in order to legalize it. The dead line was in the next 24 hours but hadn't had two docs that were supposed to submit - well, I had the copy tbh, but i was unsure whether I was permissable or not.
The clock was ticking.
It was uncertain condition but I knew for sure that I had to submit it. So sent the copy.
I told it to a colleague who was working on the same docs. Mind u that we always did everything together since the beginning. Any info that I got, I shared to her.
After sending the docs, I informed her. But her reply shocked me. She hadn't sent it and waited till tomorrow to work on the last docs. She had important message about the docs that we were supposed to send but she kept it for herself.
Ok. That's her right.
But deep down, I felt betrayed.
She knew I was working on the same docs.
She knew I needed the info about it.
She knew if I did it wrong, then I needed to revise it.
Was she happy if I had to revise it?
I replied her text, saying; that's fine, I believe Im not the only one who made mistakes *smiley emoji.
Deep down, I was sad.
Next morning, while watching some pupils, I was her doing tge doc. I greeted her, she looked at me differently. Fine for me.
Days after, we got information that boht of us need to revise our docs!!! To my relieved, the copy was I sent was accepted!!! I was so happy. We both needed to revise two things, looked trivial, but it was vital. I sent the revision and it was accepted. Alhamdulillah. Hope we get our status soon.
Few days ago we got bad news.
She was infected by the famous virus.
I was not happy, horrified instead.
This afternoon I was asked to deliver some food and money to her place.
I didn't mind. I was more than happy to do it.
I have no problem with her.
But tbh it changed my pov a bit about her. Not because I dislike her or thing like that but I don't think Im ready to be treated like that again in the future.
I hope she never repeats the same attitude to me or somebody else but my invisible walls has been built. It rocks solid and it keeps some distance from her.
The silver lining is, I learnt more not to rely on somebody else or expect someone else to act like I do. Yes, I shared almost info that I got to her - since we were fighting to get better condition, so what's the point of hiding info? - that's the attitude that I had. I did expect her to do the same thing even without I said it.
My bad.
Im supposed to rely on Allah.
Im not supposed to expect something from somebody else in return.
She was not wrong.
I was wrong.
I hurt myself with implausible things.
I forgive myself and learnt my lesson.
I feel so tired right now.
Emotionally drained.
Not because of her, but something else.
I don't have friends to tak t about it.
I do have friends but I dont feel comfy to falk about it to them.
Allah knows.
Im tired.
Need to sleep.
Bye.
